The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
g
a
r
d
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n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.