@jenstatsky: The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you're looking for anything specific is, "the bottom half of a shirt."
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@weinerdog4life: When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
@DanKCharnley: [1st day as undercover cop] *approaches drugdealer* Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!" *gets stabbed*