The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.