The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
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I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Sooo many times…..
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.