The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
This makes total sense…
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.