The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
#SaturdayBears
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.