The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
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WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Hell yeah 👍
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
There is no try. There is only give up.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*