@jwoodham: The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it's like excuse me, I'm working here.
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@OtherDanOBrien: DENTIST: Been flossing? ME: Yup D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
@KalvinMacleod: Genie: 1st wish ME: I wish for a pen G: #2 M: another pen G: wtf M: I already lost the 1st pen G: and ur 3rd M: ur not going to believe this
@Kyle_Lippert: Fun fact: the person who said "If you love something let it go" died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
@SondraDeeMe: [sex in car] ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching? BF: Yes UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?