The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Wednesday
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Hot Panini is in big trouble
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!