The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.