The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute