The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
You Might Also Like
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
first you must answer his riddles
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.