The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Seek kebab; not attention
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
The news in a nutshell.