The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
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*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Here’s a meme
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no