Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
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‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox