Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
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therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.