“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
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my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do