Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
North and South
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
screw you
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto