@drayzze: The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog.
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@juicymorsel: I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
@noogscorner: Cop: License and registration please. Me: Give me a second, I'm drunk. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: No.
@SimonNRicketts: BIDEN: I'mma punch him when he comes here. OBAMA: No, Joe. Don't do that. BIDEN: Punch him round the back. OBAMA: Joe. BIDEN: Kick, then.
@JElvisWeinstein: "And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?"-- Teen Brian Williams' mother