@drayzze: The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog.
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@schlimp: Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
@Traceylei2: You know those orange cones they put on the road for you to knock over? Totally just beat my previous high score.
@ericsshadow: [first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone