The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
😂😂😂
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳