The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
had to make it
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?