The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Tier 3 meme
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.