The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
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That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.