The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I love art.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.