Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo