@JMFnSparks: The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want
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@tedalexandro: We get it. If your candidate doesn't win in November, you're moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
@deardilettante: A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they'll blame the host's cooking. Lol.
@afbradstone: Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words