@rickkondell: The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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@Brianhopecomedy: *takes selfie, sends to wife* Wife: "No." *takes pants off* *tries on another pair in The Gap change room* *takes selfie, sends to wife*
@IamEnidColeslaw: I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
@just1fool: Coworker:I'll take care if it. *Translation* You're gonna take care of it. You just don't know it yet.
@rockymomax: [date] ME: do you have kids or pets? HER: a son and a cat ME: what are their names? HER: John & Batman ME: nice! my son is also named Batman