The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
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Not today.. 😂
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
It’s an epidemic…
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back