The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
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My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.