If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
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I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
More like Kate Missington.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?