The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
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You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little