The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now