@TheBlessMess: The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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@Thynebear: [Obamacare Meeting] *Biden raises hand* *Obama sighs* Yes Joe? Will the doctor still have lollipops? Sure. *Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
@SamuelHLowe: That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.
@djdarrellripley: Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired? Me: I got fired?