The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Saturday
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.