The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”