@MichaelTrying: The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
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@MountainDouche: If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It's only fair.
@GreenishDuck: You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells "IT'S JUST A POTATO!" #ambien
@ShutUpThatsWho: [taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never