The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
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Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
2022 be like
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.