@MichaelTrying: The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
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@Jenny4ashley: [speed dating] Me: Have you ever choked someone? "No I would never do something like that" Me: Next
@KentWGraham: I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
@man_spach: When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they're judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
@mayamanion: I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.