The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My current situation
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”