@JustASmirk: The best part of being lactose intolerant is the cure for constipation is cheese.
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@KurtBusiek: I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
@NickSchug: I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote "dentists are liars" into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
@HelsNotAllowed: My boyfriend isn't allowed to have candles on his birthday cake...Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.