Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
War & Peace
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I WON A HAM TODAY
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.