@Blondiethegood: The best part of being married with kids is.....is.....umm.....Yeah.
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@Brampersandon_: ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed WIFE: Trump's running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series M: haha ok but srsly tho
@sarcasticmommy4: My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke's on them because I'm not even trying.
@TheToddWilliams: [deathbed] ME: Dear? WIFE: I'm here...don't worry, all your affairs are in order ME: You found out about my affairs? WIFE: What? ME: What?
@GrandadJFreeman: There's a serial killer in our house! Normal people: "CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!" - In movies: "Lets go find him" -___-