It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
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me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Who chose this font
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.