if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
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I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now