@edgarrants: The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you 'randomly fall asleep' in the middle of a conversation.
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@notalogin: After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
@ElgatoEsmio: SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
@gringothespice: Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour's lawn mower. He'll just have to mow around me, I'm not moving.