The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Breaking news:
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.