Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
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[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
when there are deer in the woods
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.