The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
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4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job