@_davidlucas_: The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.
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@iGreenMonk: Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.
@cee_ryan: My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for "best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??"
@chimneyspotter: [creating man] GOD: They need air to live ANGEL: Done G: And food A: Ok G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes A: wtf?
@MisterBombay: I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly