The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
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“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.