@duplicitron: The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.
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@Underchilde: The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
@hippieswordfish: *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*
@sammyrhodes: If you've ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you're in luck today.
@FattMernandez: Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It's the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.