What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!