The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
happy mother’s day❤️
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though