@Iwriteforcats: The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don't have to share your snacks.
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@blazed_ncis: *going through mail* "bills bills bills bills bills" "I think I'll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine."
@eddiepepitone: I'm with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
@AimeeHelene1: They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes: You will vacuum the living room. You will run into the coffee table.