@Iwriteforcats: The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don't have to share your snacks.
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@DoritosOverHoes: "YOUR 15" is trending worldwide instead of "YOU'RE 15" and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer yet.
@ehdannyboy: ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur *silence for 10mins* ME: is Arthur coming or
@PetrickSara: My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming "I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!"