@Iwriteforcats: The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don't have to share your snacks.
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@TheAlexNevil: Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday?? Me (eating leftovers from fridge): ...reports.
@juliacomedy: remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
@QuietPsycho: I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the "Sunni D" family
@Birdhumms: I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn't last long.