The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
HR said no more nunchucks.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Social Media and Real life
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?