Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
🤣
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
We’re all getting idioter.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Finally, an explanation.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection