Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
As the Lord intended
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.