The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.