The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
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Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
thanksgiving in nutshell
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.