If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff